Well its been an interesting week/weeks.
These days are experienced as being bundled up into one, as opposed to several days forming a week. Time is quite strange in times of bliss and struggle. A mild summary:
I finished the freelance project I have been on since January– YAY!
I am so grateful for the project to create a logo for a beautiful company run by a generous couple. They run a plant nursery business and donate a portion of each sale to two different charities, 1 local and 1 global. This opportunity gave me income I didn’t know I would need to pay medical bills that I didn’t know I would have. Mine and the cat.
An unfortunate event occurred around the same time.
My ex’s brother passed.
This is something I have not, and still cannot wrap my head around.
Intuitively, I feel that no matter how we behave, or what we engage in during this life, we all go to a better place after this.
Sometimes I believe this is hell. At times, it feels so. Other times, it’s not so bad.
Regardless, no thing makes “good bye” any easier.
In another turn, my estranged parents have suggested coming to visit within the next few months.
They attempted visiting about 1 year ago. Before contact with them there was strength and prosperity. I had weaned off all medication safely under the eye of a watchful doctor over the course of 1.5 years. I had started a relationship with a very open hearted man. I was regularly physically active. In summary: physically and mentally stable. Parental contact brought such a force of negative physical and emotional impact that quite honestly, I don’t think I’ve finished integrating to this day.
I fell apart.. instantly. I deteriorated and pathetically told my parents to continue their visit of New York – but that I wouldn’t be joining them for any dinners. They canceled their trip.
This time around, with the passing of my ex’s brother, stillness and strength from daily ceremonial magick practice, consistent weightlifting, and lack of any romantic relationships since that last one fell apart… Well….. I don’t feel good, but I don’t think I’ll fall apart much in the way that I have.
I see a lot of disintegration happening from all this, but from this vantage point, I am the detached observer watching the ego suffer through this death without stepping in to prevent its uncomfortable demise. The real true me is the quiet observer.